Ariane Beeston in-conversation with Kerri Sackville

A frank, hopeful and darkly funny memoir of postpartum psychosis and recovery.

'How strange to be the observed and not the observer.'

Ariane Beeston is a child protection worker and newly registered psychologist when she gives birth to her first child – and very quickly begins to experience scary breaks with reality. Out of fear and shame, she keeps her delusions and hallucinations secret, but as the months pass Ariane gets worse. Much worse. Finally admitted to a mother and baby psychiatric unit, the psychologist is forced to learn how to be the patient.

With medication, the support of her husband, psychotherapy and, ultimately, time, Ariane rebuilds herself. And she also begins a new chapter working in perinatal mental health, developing resources to support other new mothers.

Because I'm Not Myself, You See is a candid, often humorous memoir of motherhood and madness, interwoven with research and expert commentary. It's the story of the impossible pressures placed on new mothers and how quickly things can go wrong during 'the happiest time of your life'. It's also about life on the other side of serious illness, trying to make sense of what doesn't make sense, and finding humour, beauty and joy when things don't go according to plan.

Ariane Beeston is a former child protection caseworker and psychologist with NSW's Department of Communities and Justice. She was a staff writer at Fairfax Media's Essential Baby and Essential Kids and has also published articles in The Sydney Morning Herald, Daily Life, Babyology and Mamamia. Ariane currently works for Australia's peak body in perinatal mental health, The Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE), as their Communications and Content Manager. She is also a dancer and choreographer. 

Kerri Sackville is an Australian writer. She is currently a regular columnist for Sunday Life magazine, Sydney Morning Herald and Melbourne Age. Over the years, Kerri has appeared frequently on commercial and ABC radio networks, podcasts, and TV shows including Sunrise, The Morning Show and The Daily Edition. Kerri is the author of five books; The Secret Life of You, The Life-Changing Magic of a Little Bit of Mess, Out There, The Little Book of Anxiety and When My Husband Does the Dishes. Kerri lives in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs with her kids and a recalcitrant cat and enjoys lying very still on the couch.

Dr Nicole Highet is the founder and executive director of COPE: Centre of Perinatal Excellence. Nicole has a background in clinical psychology, marketing, campaign development, and advocacy. Following over thirteen years at Beyondblue, Nicole founded COPE in 2013 to provide a dedicated focus on effective and sustainable approaches to best practice in perinatal mental health.